


Shave the Date

by cherrylime



Category: Borderlands (Video Games), Tales from the Borderlands - Fandom
Genre: F/F, F/M, M/M, Wedding, borderlands 3 speculation, canon-typical asshole behavior, mustache-centric violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-28
Updated: 2019-05-28
Packaged: 2020-03-26 08:09:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19001797
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cherrylime/pseuds/cherrylime
Summary: Rhys finds himself the target of the heist of the century... namely, his friends plot to steal the mustache right off his face.





	Shave the Date

**Author's Note:**

> a fic dedicated to those of us who cant stand that horrible siege stache

“It’s been weeks. I can’t look at it anymore,” Sasha said, glancing apprehensively across the sunny pavilion. 

Vaughn followed her gaze. “I can’t believe it’s still there. Didn’t he say he’d get rid of it after the siege was lifted?”

Sasha sighed, resignedly, and turned to face her sister.

“Remember the plan, Fi?” 

Fiona touched the holster at her hip and smirked, nodding. “I was born ready for this.”

“I want a clean job, alright? In, out, no mistakes.” 

“Don’t worry about us, Sash. I already have a plan.” 

Sasha knit her brows together. “He insists it looks good… he’s not going down without a fight.”

“You seriously think we can’t take him?” Vaughn asked. 

“Of course not,” Sasha hesitated. “Just don’t hurt him okay?”

.~*~. 

Rhys mingled near the snack table by the outdoor dancefloor at the far end of the pavilion. It had been awhile since he’d been off-planet and the first time he’d ever been on Elpis. He scanned the ballroom for Zer0, nibbling a square piece of pizza speared on a cocktail pick shaped like a sword. 

“Well hey there, good buddy! How’s my favorite multigalatic gun manufacturing CEO doing?” 

Rhys jumped a bit, dropping his pizza on the dancefloor. “Hey Claptrap, long time no see.”

“Wow, it has been now that you mention it. Almost like you forgot about me or something. Not that something like that could ever happen!” Claptrap laughed. “But yeah, how’s it going?”

“Can’t complain, you know? Its-”

“Yeah, yeah.” Claptrap glanced around indiscreetly. “Listen, hotshot, I actually came over here to tell you something.”

“Okay?” 

Claptrap gestured for him to come closer. Standing at full height, Rhys awkwardly leaned over a bit, holding his plate of fingerfood gingerly out of the way. 

“The whole moon is gonna hear me if you keep insisting on being so tall. Come on.”

Rhys bent at the hip, feeling a gentle curl of pain in his lower back. Claptrap waggled his antenna impatiently. 

Unenthusiastically, Rhys lowered himself onto one knee. 

“Perfect! So here’s the thing. About the mustache…”

“Yes?”

“Well, everyone at the party hates it. They told me not to tell you.”

Rhys started to get up.

“Wait! I wanted to say that I love it. It’s so cool and macho. Look, I made one out of scrap metal for myself too. Now we can both be beefcakes!” Claptrap affixed the metalstache to his chassis, under his eye. 

“Wow, looking uh… good, dude!” 

“You think so? I can’t wait to show everybody else. Twinsies!” 

.~*~. 

“I’m not sure I should/get involved with this right now./He’s paying my bills.”

Vaughn leaned nonchalantly against a bannister. “We just need a distraction.”

Zer0 projected a :/ emoticon across their helmet.

“It’ll only take a second and it won’t even look like you had anything to do with it. Please? You know how much he likes you.”

“I am reluctant./But…okay, since its such an/abomination.” 

“Great! Just stay here in the foyer, alright? Just do exactly like I said when you see me come in here with Rhys.”

Zer0 nodded.

.~*~. 

Janey and Athena left the foyer of the Golden Kraggon Hotel and joined the growing crowd out back on the pavilion. They’d picked the absolute swankiest place on Elpis, not that the moon had bountiful options in terms of places to get married in the first place. It was heavily fortified and had a party space that wasn’t often heavily used by bandits, which Athena liked. Plus, renting it out for a wedding included free pizza catering and matching white hers-and-hers Jakobs pistols for the happy couple.

Rhys spotted them from his place by the snack table. Athena wore a silvery-white set of battle-ready armor, while Janey had on a short blush-colored dress with a coordinated thigh holster.

“Janey, Athena!” He walked over. “Just wanted to say that the ceremony was so nice and both of you look great. Going to cut the cake?”

“You know it. The guests are getting a bit rowdy in the foyer. Cake fever for sure,” Janey nodded sagely. 

“Thank you for the new shield, Rhys,” Athena said. 

Rhys grinned sheepishly, “It’s next year’s model – right off the work table, my own handiwork. If you never need it fixed or upgraded you can bring it to me, no charge.”

“And no Atlas branding, just the way I like it.”

“So…where’d you get the white armor, Athena? Quick Change machine?” 

“Custom-made, actually. Sir Hammerlock knows a guy.” 

“Wow, I should ask him about that.”

“Angling to put a ring on it yourself, big guy?” Janey teased.

“Uhm… well…” Rhys blushed down through the tips of his moustache. 

Athena looked past him, “Here comes your accountant.”

“Vaughn? He’s not my-“

They were gone, merged into the crowd, and Vaughn stood in front of him instead.

“How’s it going, bro?”

“It’s nice seeing everyone face-to-face again, after the siege and everything. Been awhile since I’ve seen you wear a whole shirt, decided that the abs weren’t black tie?”

“It is a wedding, after all." 

“I bet. You caught up with everyone yet?”

“You know… I haven’t seen Fiona anywhere after the ceremony finished. She hasn’t even been with Sasha, which is kind of what I was expecting.”

“Oh, you know Fiona. Always up to something.”

“That’s… kind of a suspicious thing to say.”

“Is it?” Vaughn chuckled nervously. “Anyway, I heard that Zer0 wanted to talk to you. They were in the foyer the last time I saw them.”

.~*~. 

“It’s not Katagawa again, is it?” Rhys asked. He and Vaughn found Zer0 standing with Lady Hammerlock and Timothy next to the gift table in the foyer. 

“I’m afraid it is,” Zer0 enunciated carefully. 

“Can’t it wait? They’re about to cut the cake.”

“It seems very serious/not to be ignored.”

“If you say so,” Rhys grumbled. He gestured to the other vault hunters, “I’ll be right back. Just going to step out and take this call.”

Vaughn put a hand on his shoulder, simultaneously clicking on the ECHOcomm in his pocket. “I think I saw a quiet hallway over there, Rhys. No need to go all the way outside.”

.~*~. 

Fiona’s ECHOcomm jumped to life with the call from Vaughn, the sign that Rhys was moving into position. Instinctively, she checked the electric razor in her holster. She took her position behind a large, gaudy potted plant standing in a tall recessed wall niche. Two shadows appeared on the wall, approaching her position.

“He calls me so often, Vaughn. I mean what the fuck.” Rhys fiddled with his comm, “Leave it to him to bother Zer0 instead of me in a weird bid to get my attention.”

“Comes with the territory of being CEO, I guess. He wants Maliwan to get your assets.”

“Oh, he wants my assets alright. Damnit… I have to unblock him again to call him back.”

Vaughn made eye contact with Fiona. 

Silently, Fiona stepped out of her hiding place and into the hall behind Rhys. Removing the razor from her holster, she pressed it into the middle of his back. 

“No sudden moves, Hyperion.”

“Fiona?” 

.~*~. 

“Hold him down, Vaughn,” Fiona said, locking the bathroom door behind her. 

“I can’t get a good grip on him, he’s wiggling around!”

“What the hell is going on?” Rhys yelled.

Having wrestled him to the ground, Vaughn sat on Rhys’ belly and pinned his hands against the floor above his head. Rhys resisted his grip, struggling to get Vaughn off of him. 

Vaughn strained to find purchase holding down the taller man’s arms as Rhys squirmed under him. Fiona kneed down next to them, putting one hand on Vaughn's.

“Someone hired us to do this job, pal, so just let me get it over with,” Fiona said. 

“We’re friends, aren’t we? Let’s just all get off the floor and discuss this like rational adults who do rational adult things such as not locking their best friend in a bathroom at a wedding and shaving his moustache off!”

Fiona turned on the razor. 

“Come on, guys,” Rhys said weakly.

“Remember to shave with the grain, Fiona.”

“You say that like I haven’t shaved off someone’s moustache against their will before.”

She grabbed Rhys' jaw in one hand and started to buzz off the siege 'stache.

“You’re getting hair in my mouth!” 

"I'll nick your face if you don't stop squirming."

With one final pass with the electric razor, Fiona gestured to Vaughn that he should let Rhys get up.

Rhys spat moustache hair onto the floor and got up, glaring at Fiona.

“You’re alright, Rhys. And looking pretty sharp, if I do say so myself.” She winked at him.

“The ‘stache wasn’t that bad,” Rhys grumbled, brushing himself off. “Honestly, no pre-shave? Couldn’t even spare me the razor burn?”

“No room in the budget,” Fiona shrugged. 

Rhys smoothed his tie irritably and turned to the bathroom mirror. He considered himself for a long moment, turning his face back and forth.

“Huh… I do look a lot younger.”

.~*Epilogue*~. 

A call from Katagawa did come in later that night, after the first dance was finished and most of the guests had gone home. Rhys had stayed behind, along with Fiona and Zer0, to help the happy couple clean up a bit. 

Rhys’ ECHOcomm buzzed in his pocket. A bit tipsy from the champagne, he recklessly pressed the answer button before checking the caller ID.

“Rhys! I know you’d said no to the merger already but I’ve rewritten the-“ Katagawa paused for a second. “Wow, looking cute! I was hoping you’d lose the moustache at some point… it makes you much easier on the –“

Hanging up, Rhys stuffed the comm back in his pocket and scrubbed a hand across the smooth skin above his lip.

“Maliwan again?/Katagawa’s relentless.”

“You know… maybe I should grow the moustache back out.”

**Author's Note:**

> remember... you can pick your friends, and you can shave your face, but you can't shave your friend's face


End file.
